Heal Before You Deal

Last week, if you remember, we discussed the foundation of becoming the right person, starting with understanding our identity in God. In the second point, we explored emotional and mental maturity, and I asked some deep questions for reflection.

I hope you took the time to sit with those questions, but just in case you skimmed over them, let me ask again:

• Have you learned how to manage your emotions healthily?
• Have you developed the ability to respond in love instead of reacting in hurt?

Most people deeply desire love—to pour it out and to be loved in return. But the truth is, not everyone can love fully. Maybe you’ve been wounded by a past relationship, hurt by a close friendship, or even carry childhood trauma. You might still be able to love, but not in the fullest capacity—because the last time you gave your all, you got burned. And now, you’re afraid.

For some, this fear turns into emotional walls; for others, it leads to a cycle of rushed relationships. They jump from one person to another, carrying baggage from the past into something new. And when it inevitably crashes, they move on again—never truly healing, just numbing the pain.

John 3:16 reminds us: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son.” We are called to love with the God-kind of love—the love that gives completely and holds nothing back. This is the love Jesus demonstrated when He laid down His life for us. And let’s not forget what Scripture says: Perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). 

But let’s pause here.

What’s the point of living if you can’t love fully? What’s the point of love without faith and hope?

What Does It Mean to Heal Before You Deal?

Healing means restoration—getting back to how things were meant to be. Let’s put this in context: Imagine a footballer on the pitch who suddenly sustains a serious leg injury. Blood is pouring out, and he’s rushed to the hospital. Now, even after treatment, will he be advised to jump back into the game immediately? No. He’ll need time to rest, recover, and regain strength before stepping onto the field again.

This is the exact thing some people refuse to do after heartbreak. Instead of healing, they search for the next available "ship" to board—bringing their pain and unprocessed baggage into a new relationship. And when that relationship fails, the cycle continues.

Nobody is saying you shouldn’t give love a chance. But you owe yourself a moment to pause, reflect, and heal. Ask yourself:

• What happened in my past relationship?
• Why did it end?
• Did I contribute to its downfall?
• What lessons have I learned?
• What can I do differently moving forward?

The inability to heal before dealing often comes from different places, e.g., trying to fill a void, trying to prove one’s worth, or trying to distract from the pain. But in reality, it’s like putting on a mask. You might change your appearance temporarily, but who you are underneath remains the same.

The truth is, unhealed wounds don’t just disappear when a new relationship begins. They show up when you least expect them—in your words, reactions, expectations, and fears.

You may find yourself responding to your new partner based on the pain your ex caused you. I say this because it’s relatable—I’ve had moments where I constantly had to remind myself that Mr. A is not Mr. B.

Or maybe you’re not reacting negatively, but instead, you’ve built unrealistic expectations. You expect someone new to fix what they didn’t break.

But no matter how badly you were hurt, the truth remains the same: nobody is responsible for your healing except YOU.

The Bible says, “If the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?” (Psalm 11:3).

A house built on a faulty foundation is only a matter of time before it collapses. The same applies to relationships. If the foundation of your love life is layered with pain, fear, and unprocessed wounds, it’s bound to crumble.

In my introduction, I mentioned that perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). But let’s be honest—can we really experience perfect love while holding on to old wounds?

God's love wasn't given as an escape plan from pain. It was given as a place of redemption, restoration, and wholeness. Love isn’t just about receiving; it’s also about giving. And you can’t give what you don’t have.

If you’re not whole, how can you love wholeheartedly?

Becoming whole means allowing God to heal you from the inside out. It means learning to manage your emotions, discovering your identity in Christ, and being complete outside of a relationship. Some people cannot function without a relationship, and the moment one ends, their world shatters.

But this isn’t healthy.

God wants to heal your heart and give you a love story that is meaningful and fulfilling. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). But will you give Him the space to do that?

Instead of rushing into the next "ship," Jesus wants to step into your heart and make you whole.

It’s okay to cry.

It’s okay to grieve.

It’s okay to think about what could have been.

It’s okay to feel hurt.

It’s okay to grow.

But what’s not okay is masking your pain with a temporary relationship fix.

Signs You Haven’t Healed Yet

Maybe you’re wondering if you’ve truly moved on. Here are a few signs that your past still has a hold on you:

1️⃣ Fear of Commitment or Trust Issues – Are you so broken that you fail to recognize that this relationship is different from your past? Unhealed wounds make people sabotage something beautiful.

2️⃣ Bitterness & Unforgiveness – Are you still holding on to resentment? Do you struggle to forgive? You may think you’re hurting the other person, but in reality, you’re hurting yourself. Forgiveness is for you before it’s for them.

3️⃣ Unresolved Emotional Attachments – Are you still emotionally connected to your ex? Do you secretly hope they come back?

4️⃣ Patterns of Toxic Relationships – Do you keep attracting the same kind of people?

Healing Before You Deal: The Way Forward

Healing before you deal isn’t just a catchy phrase; it’s a necessary process. It’s the foundation for a thriving and godly relationship.

What should you do next?

• Surrender your pain to God.
• Forgive those who hurt you (Matthew 6:14-15).
• Reflect on your past mistakes and learn from them.
• Break free from soul ties and unhealthy emotional connections.
• Seek wise counsel and godly mentors.

Dear reader, I know the pressure to be in a relationship is real. But please, don’t rush. It’s far better to build on a healthy foundation than to stack love on layers of pain.

Take a moment and reflect on these questions:

• Am I still carrying resentment, bitterness, or pain from my past?
• Do I see relationships as a way to fill a void in my life?
• Have I allowed myself time to heal and grow emotionally?

If your answer to any of these is yes, then maybe, just maybe, it’s time to heal before you deal. 

If you have any thoughts or questions, I’d love to hear from you. 

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